LAWYER JOKES
A lawyer's in-court cross examination follows (purportedly a true story!):
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, I suppose its possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
The role of the lawyer: to protect clients from other members of the profession.
Two law students have a final exam on Monday. Friday night, figuring that they will study on Saturday and Sunday, they decide to go to a party with some friends. They get in with a good crowd, and the party extends to Saturday. So, they figure that they will study on Sunday. Sunday, the party is still going good, so they figure that they will just take their chances with the law exam.
Monday morning, they go straight to their law professor and explain that they had gone to visit friends; but on their way back, a tire blew out on their car. They further explained that, since they didn't have any money, it took them all weekend to scrape together enough to buy a new tire. Having fully pleaded their case, they asked if they coulnd't please take the exam the next day. The professor agreed.
That night, they hit the books with a fury. The next day, they appear for the exam, and the professor puts them in separate rooms and gives each the exam.
QUESTION #1: Explain the importance of habeus corpus in contemporary U.S. law. (Value - 5%)
In their separate rooms, both students figure that, based on this question, the exam is going to be a piece of cake. They turn the page for the next question.
QUESTION #2: Which tire? (Value - 95%)
A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
The economist thought for several minutes and answered "Four -- plus or minus one."
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"
Three surgeons were discussing the type of patient that they liked best to
operate on. The first said that librarians were best because all of their parts
were in alphabetical order. The second surgeon preferred engineers since their
parts were color coded. The third announced that the others were making life
too difficult: lawyers were by far the easiest since they only have two parts--
a head and an ass--and these parts were totally interchangeable.
A blind rabbit and a blind frog are jumping through the woods, when they suddenly collide. After they apologize to each other (explaining that each is blind), the frog says to the rabbit: "I've always wanted to know what kind of animal I am but I've never seen myself, so maybe we can help each other out."
The rabbit replies: "Great idea; you go first."
The frog pats the rabbit on the ears and body and says: "You have warm fur with long ears and a round tail. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit responds enthusiastically, "Yes! I've always thought so! Now it's my turn."
As the rabbit pats the frog, he says, "You're cold and slimy with a big mouth, an even bigger butt, and skinny legs--why, you must be a lawyer!!!"
A little old lady came into a lawyer's office for a consultation. After the meeting, she pulled out a wad of $100 bills to pay for the lawyer's services. Later in the day, the lawyer walked by the chair where the little old lady had sat. Out of the corner of his eye, the lawyer saw a $100 bill lying on the carpet under the chair. It was evident that this money had somehow fallen out of the little old lady's wad of $100 bills. The lawyer immediately realized that he was faced with an extremely serious moral and ethical dilemma: Should he or should he not share the $100 with his partner????
A lawyer was driving along and got a flat tire along a busy expressway. As he opened the door to see how bad the problem was, a car sideswiped him, tearing off the car door and causing considerable damage. The first policeman to the scene found the lawyer weeping disconsolately and saying over and over, "My Mercedes! My Mercedes!"
The policeman said, "Sir, you must be in pretty serious shock, because in case you didn't notice, that car took off your arm along with the car door." The lawyer, horrified, stares at the place his left arm used to be and begins wailing, "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute: "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied: "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No." The lawyer continued: "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology. The lawyer interrupted her apology, saying: "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cuts her off once again and says: "...So, if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any money to you?!?"
"The illegal we do immediatley. The unconstitutional takes a little longer." --Henry Kissinger
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has a better lawyer." --Robert Frost
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